Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
