remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Its about making memories worth repressing
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
