You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
