capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
