She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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