The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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