YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize