So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
