if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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