do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
