i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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