Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
