Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
