I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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