swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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