4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i dont even know how to be here
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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