watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You made out with two different species that night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
