i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
