One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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