He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
