Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
