you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize