so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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