I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
