You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize