Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
