Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
