I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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