Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
