The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
