Pants 0. Shit 1.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
two words: eviction party
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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