sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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