I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
