I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
