I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
