I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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