I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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