just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
be right there i have to get my cape
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
