Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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