sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
