Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
