my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
