We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
