Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
