Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize