Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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