If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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