I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
