Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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