apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You pole danced in your parka.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
