1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
