So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
