Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
