Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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