so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
