Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my nose is crying tears of wow.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
