my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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