My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
